I'm a cock

I'm not talking about myself being a dick or a male variety chicken, just to be clear.

Do you remember writing those essays or composition as homework in school last time? I especially hated karangan, essay writing in malay, if only those could have title like 'Saya Sebatang Kotek' (hence the post title), then maybe I could somehow aprrehend the whole reason and meaning for us to do that unless I was aiming to work as a gossip reporter writing for malay languaged newspaper or magazines.

But anyway, I just discovered this extremely funny blog LENG MOU? by two fellow malaysian currently residing in UK. Can't believe I missed out this blog for almost half a year, I consider myself serious blog reader (maybe not serious, consider describe it as addictive compulsion is better justified), check out the list of blogs I read that I put on the right pane, you think that's a long list? Wait till you see my OPML or bloglines feeds list, then you realize what LONG really means, long as in my 20 incher under my pants.

Back to the LENG MOU? blog I was just going to talk about. I was reading through their archives non-stop, since it's so entertaining. Found out one of them is Mai Hagiwara fans (me too!), and kept mentioning her in quite a few blog post, that one alone is a good reason enough for putting them into my feed list, great mind thinks alike, more so great men usually have same taste in japanese av, don't say I didn't tell you.

I stopped the reading halfway through the archives and to blog here on their post entitled 'Saya Sebatang Kotek'. This clicked for me, and lighted a bulb above my head to do something about it, to make use of my 12 years worth of Bahasa Malaysia education, do a revisit of writing a karangan in this blog, one with title I had done in the past in school, but writing it the way I never could have do then, before my BM skill went down the drain before I can realize it. michealooi.net once had something similar for writing stuff in BM before but it was not as funny as this one.

Maybe the combination of Bahasa Malaysia and gentinal parts alone is inherently funny in itself, I remember any conversations among classmates in high school that involved words like 'kotek', 'puki', 'pepek', 'konek', 'tetek', 'lancap', 'unani', 'nonok', not to mention 'cibai', 'lanchiao' (which I think both are already unofficially in the malay vocab), will end up in endless laughter. We even tried to hunt down all of these lewd words by flipping through the dictionary, just for the fun of it. Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe it's just really funny to say them in malay, which anyway can explains my wide vocabulary of gentinal related phrase in malay, way more than the numbers of way eskimos can say 'snow' in their language.

Here's the essay entitled 'Saya Sebatang Kotek' that I would very loved to write it in school if possible, maybe in another alternate universe it may happen.

Helo! Nama saya Abu. Saya sebatang kotek berwarna hitam dan berukuran 15 inchi. Ya, banyak orang kata pemilik saya Bob sangat bernasib baik dilahirkan dengan saya tetapi sebenarnya, saya tidak dicintai. Tiap-tiap hari, saya disimpan di dalam seluarnya yang amat gelap dan dikeluarkan cuma apabila tiada orang di sekeliling. Manapun, Bob ada kalanya meluahkan hatinya kepada saya. Bila tiada orang nampak, Bob akan keluarkan saya dan menyentuh saya dengan kasih sayang yang amat lembut sampai says muntah. Saya tahu dalam minda Bob... saya memalukan dia.

Semuanya berubah pada satu hari bila Bob sudah lebih 20 tahun. Dia tiba-tiba mula menyukai saya dan juga membeli pakaian cantik untuk saya.

Walaubagaimanapun, pada satu hari, dia keluarkan saya di depan satu gua gelap. aku tidak beberapa suka situasi itu tetapi dia melembutkan leher aku dengan sentuhan kuku jari dia. tiba-tiba, gua it kena rusuk hantu! dia mempunyai dua batang leher and dua biji kepala! kepala it pelik sekali kerana rambutnya macam lima batang jari kaki! ok dan ini berlaku: Gua kena rusuk itu menggunakan kepala mereka untuk bunuh aku!

mereka cuba memotong saluran oksigen aki dengan memicit saya dengan kuat! aku hendak "duduk" pun tak boleh kerana kaki terajang! Tetapi, nasib baik dia perlahan sikit kerana tuan saya menjerit kesakitan.aku hampir termuntah tetapi tuan saya menyelamatkan nyawa saya dengan melarikan diri dari gua rusuk itu. pelik sekali, dia masih menyentuh saya seperti hendak memanaskan saya.

TIBA-TIBA tuan saya mendekati gua itu lalu memasukkan saya ke dalam gua itu!Taat dan kesetiaan saya pada tuan saya hilang sekelip mata. aku ketakutan apabila dalam gua itu, menunggu apa-apa yang akan terjadi pada saya. aku tidak takut dibunuh. tanpa penyediaan, badan saya digosok pada dinding gua itu! gua itu busuk sekali dan amat kering lagi ketat! tapi perasaan berubah apabila gris magik mengalir pada dinding dari siling rumah. aku rasa pada masa itu, hantu dari gua itu sudah merusuk tuan saya kerana tuan saya terjadi gila dan memasukkan saya dalam Simple Harmonic Motion pada 1000rpm. lepas beberapa jam, tuan saya masih bertenaga dan gua sudah dibanjiri dengan air merah! air merah itu tertumpah keluar dari dinding pecah.

aku terasa pening lalu memuntah. aku mengotori baju cantik saya. aku amat kasihan sekali. tetapi hantu dalam tuan saya sudah terbang pergi. tuan saya melepasi saya dari gua gila itu, menanggal baju cantik saya dan mencampakinya. aku tidak kisah kerana baju itu bau coklat dan aku tidak suka coklat.

(406 patah perkataan)

Go check out the LENG MOU? blog if you haven't do so.